Steroids

Telling the kids was one of the hardest things we did. We do everything we can to be as honest and open with them as can be. But there are things that preteens/teenagers just don’t need to know. They know that I have brain cancer. They know that I need treatments, both radiation and oncology. These treatments were going to be hard on my body. We reached out to teachers, friends parents, guidance counsellors, coaches. We did everything we could possibly do to make sure the kids had as much support as possible.

The next morning, I started the journey; steroids and a stomach pill. The steroids were used in hopes of bringing the swelling down enough so my persistent headaches would go away, and maybe my eye would improve too. They were cautiously given to me the day before by the pharmacist. Steroids can cause mood fluctuations and hormone imbalances in everyone. Add bipolar to the mix and I was guaranteed manic episodes.

It was still early, probably 10 am, when my radiation oncologist called me. I had left a message the previous day with my concerns about the biopsy and lumbar puncture. I had decided to forego the biopsy, I wasn’t willing to put my life on the line just for potential life expectancy. While information may be comforting, you actually have to be alive to be comforted by the information. He wasn’t bothered by it and even told me that the lumbar puncture was optional as well. That was one part I didn’t hear him say the day before. We decided to take the next moves toward treatment. He was going to send another fax to medical oncology.

I had so much relief when that call ended. Hearing that the lumbar puncture was optional made me cry, happy tears of course. The days have been a bit of a blur, but I didn’t expect to feel the way I did on the first day. My stomach was a mess, I couldn’t understand the thoughts in my head, I just knew that I was angry, but I couldn’t tell anyone why. The kids could see I was grumpy, but they luckily missed the worst of it when they went to bed. I was exuding so much anger and couldn’t explain it. Thank god for my husband for being so patient with me. It took a long time to talk me through that one, but I did come out the other end. Mania and madness.

For four days my attitude sucked. I was grumpy, mean, angry and couldn’t understand why. It didn’t matter that we kept getting calls for appointments and that things were moving quickly, these steroids were ruining me, my stomach and my sense of self. My husband and I had a long talk, several times over, until I realized just how bad I had been. I cried a lot and promised to have a better outlook the next day. Thank god I did.

By Friday, we had appointments for getting my radiation mask fitted on the following Monday, an appointment with medical oncology (chemo) on Wednesday and an appointment for a full spinal MRI the following Tuesday. 

We spent Saturday going out with my brother and sister in law. It was a much needed distraction going to The Cellar, our favourite spot to eat. I was able to eat a little bit of food without causing any distress and took the rest home. Enjoyed a couple of drinks before I can’t drink anymore. Then kicked the guys asses in bowling. Best night of the week, hands down.

Today was spent mostly resting, visiting my old coworkers at work and enjoying family dinner with my parents. Tomorrow is the next step, making the mesh radiation mask. Claustrophobic, yep, sure am, but I’m on some pretty good meds that will help me through. Let’s get this week going and get the ball rolling. It’s time to shrink this sucker.