Bipolar With Brain Cancer

 

When I turned thirty years old, my whole life changed. After spending most of my life questioning why I made bad choices, or hurt people with my words, or overspent money or acted irrationally and impulsively, I finally had a diagnosis. Bipolar type one. If you ask my psychiatrist, It’s clear from my records that I could have been diagnosed at eleven and gotten the help twenty years sooner. Still, at least I had an explanation to everything I had ever done that I couldn’t explain. I knew why I ran high with lots of energy, not sleeping for days on end. I also knew why it physically caused me pain to even crawl out of bed, or even just have a shower. It made sense.

We started treatments immediately. Lithium, Seroquil, Xanax, other medications for the restless legs that these medications cause. I also started therapy with my favourite therapist thus far. And trust me, I’ve done a lot of therapy with a lot of different people, but my current therapist is hands down the best fit for me. I can email her on a low day and have a response less than half an hour later. I’m stable on my medications, that is for sure, but this whole brain cancer thing and all the additional medications that come with it, has my moods totally messed up.

Upon starting the course of steroids, we were informed that it would mess with my mental health. And hey, so would radiation and likely chemo too. And I will say, they weren’t wrong. I spent my first week of treatments running quite high, but not in the pleasant way that I’m used to. Usually mania for me, comes in a positive way now. I clean, organize, get things accomplished. But this was different. I had so much anger coursing through my veins, and I honestly couldn’t tell you why. My husband was doing everything so I could rest and relax. My kids were being wonderful, and luckily I was able to push down any anger I had when it came to them. But they could tell that their mother was going through an episode, one that took a huge, drastic turn into a deep depression.

My first weekend off was spent mostly resting. My mother in law was generous enough to keep the kids so I could rest. We did try to go fishing on Sunday, but as I cast my rod off the dock and very slowly started to reel my floater in, I started to nod off standing up and almost tripped into the lake. I ended up gathering my things and sitting in the car. I lasted a whole half an hour before I started to fall asleep. Which made me very upset. And so I cried. I cried that I don’t have the energy to do the things I love to do. Jacob suggested next time we take a camping chair. I think he has some pretty great ideas and we will try this next time.

Starting week two of all treatments was rough. I was still exhausted. And very, very low. Crying was just something I did on the daily now, several times a day. Keeping a positive attitude isn’t easy for someone like me who has this disorder. It’s really easy to slip into the dark and find comfort there. My stomach ached, my energy was even more low now that the depression had found me, and as tired as I was, I couldn’t sleep at night. I’d get half an hour here, 40 minutes there, but nothing substantial. The exhaustion made me cry more.

I was thankful that I didn’t have to face radiation treatments on the second Friday. I was mentally exhausted and needed the break from all the driving. My brother came to town to be here for the Fundraiser for the Alexander Family.  He visited Friday and brought some goodies. My husband is currently in the process of stripping our back storage room so we can turn it into an 80’s themed gaming/activity room. I want to collect all the old systems and have somewhere we can hang out or the kids can with their friends, it’s right off the back deck too, which is a plus. Anyways, my brother brought an original Xbox and a PS2 to add to our PS4 and PS5.  The rest of the day was spent relaxing before the fundraiser the next day.

The day of the fundraiser, my daughter and I got up early so we could go with my mom to the hall to set up my perler bead stand. It tuned into a family affair with both my husband and son coming to help. Which was amazing as we got it done in a timely manner and I was able to go home, smoke a joint and have a nap before going back. Everyone wanted me to take breaks and rest, however the only part that I wanted to be there for was the silent auction. I did sneak out a couple of times for a quick puff as the throngs of people caused anxiety and I needed calm.

I did make it the whole way through to the dinner and I did take that to go. I had hugged and spoken with so many people that my head was spinning, however it was already spinning from the crazy amount of people who had come out to support our family. It fills my heart up so much that the community came together to support us through this ugly battle. And to the volunteers, but especially a special mother & daughter duo, you made this happen. You will never understand how grateful we are. My husband and I have cried so much since the fundraiser. To everyone who has donated, given hugs or even spoke kind words to us, you are all so cherished. This gives us so much hope that we are going to be okay financially. 

Sunday was spent resting again. I’ve packed up the perler beads and am putting them away for a while. I need to start forcing myself to rest, and while I’m sitting when I do them, mentally I’m counting and making sure things add up and that’s not resting my brain at all. So I’m turning to reading and movies, things to make me tired so I will sleep more. Today is Monday. Day one of five this week. Treatment is done and we are on our way home, ready to face day number 2, and music festival, tomorrow.